i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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