You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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