Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize