Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
