im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
