I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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