last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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