every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
