Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
