We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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