i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize