Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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