I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
