She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
