There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
