My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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