Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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