I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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