i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
This is classic penis vs brain.
Im part way to drunk.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
