You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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