i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize