based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
