Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
