Someone shit on the floor
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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