Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
