I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
she looked like the before picture.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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