No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I think I am morally bankrupt
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Slut skills are useful in every country.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Sorry my hands just texted you
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
