come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
