yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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