Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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