Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Randomize
