The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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