u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
