Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
