Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
