were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
