Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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