In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
How does one acquire holy water?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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