I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
