Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
where does the pee come out of this thing
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
