you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
