ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
