You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
