we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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