My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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