she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
