Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
