My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Randomize
