Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
