I can tuck mytits in my pants
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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