i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
