I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
zippers are such a cool invention
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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