Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
