I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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