At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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