my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
