If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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