I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
